COLUMNISTS' CORNER

Reverend Michael from my spiritual center Agape, says; "Fear is misdirected belief. Fear is when you are more worried about what could go wrong instead of what is."

Often I find myself thinking so far ahead of myself, I will talk myself out of doing something because I have imagined it won’t work before I have even tried. My question is, how do I benefit from allowing the fear of the unknown to hold me back? There has to be a payoff or I wouldn’t do it. Everything we do, meets a need inside of us or we would remove it from our lives. Unfortunately, it’s not always a healthy payoff. In most cases, I find what triggers my fears are a series of memories of my past. And although they are very painful memories, I subconsciously hold on to them because they are comfortable. Just like an old comfortable chair, I don’t want to get rid of them. Ironically, just like an old comfortable chair, I don’t want anyone to see it and when friends come over I cover it up with something to hide its disturbing appearance.

So how do I move from "imaginary" fear to what is? It’s scary to think of my life with no limitations because then I would have to actually write the book I have been procrastinating about writing. I would have to start taking bigger chances with my love life and I may get hurt. It may mean I have to get rid of some old relationships that are unhealthy. It may cause me to have to change and start to believe that there is another way to think and to pursue my dreams without the paralyzing fear that I might fail.

The first step is to simply say, yes! Yes, I want to live my life in spite of the fear I have of failure. Reverend Sheila McKeithen teaches to just say Y.E.S. an acronym for yield energetically and step. The universe has a good plan for your life if you yield to it and give it a chance to show up as opportunities in your life. Energetically, we need to feel our passion. We need to match the same energy with life as we have for our dreams. Step into life with the full understanding that "something, always comes out of nothing" if we choose to believe there maybe something there we are not seeing. Look at situations without judgment, to see if there is something there other than your preconceived idea – you need to find its purpose and the benefit.

I have learned through my prolonged diagnosis of Cushing’s disease (seven years) and my journey of recovery from this debilitating illness, that fear can only hold me back if I choose to allow it. While I was sick with Cushing’s, I woke up everyday with the fear of wondering how much sicker I was going to get before a doctor would take me seriously and stop telling me that it was all in my head. Everyday I feared I would soon be so sick I would lose my job. I constantly feared how would I live financially if I had to be on disability? But what was amazing is that even with all the fear of the unknown, there was something even more powerful inside of me that helped get me out of bed every single morning for seven years. So even though I know I may never learn to let go of fear completely, I’m grateful to know there is something bigger than fear inside of me that will take over and kick butt when push comes to shove. I will never stop to feel sorry for myself, or blame others for my life. I may walk side by side with fear at times but I will never let it lead the way.

Many Blessings,

Sharmyn McGraw
Patient Advocate, Published Author

Jim Shelton: A Patient’s Perspective

   Summer 2004

Editor’s note: Mr. Shelton’s column is told in serial form, with each column forming another chapter in his fight against pituitary disease and his inspirational journey back to health.

By April, I began to feel quite a bit better. I still didn't feel up to exercising, but maybe in a few more weeks I’d be completely recovered from the thyroid imbalance now that my levels had come down to normal. Lately, I just wanted to forget about my medical situation and get back to enjoying the hobby that meant so much to me as a child - building and flying model airplanes. Ever since I dusted off one of my model sailplanes and flew it a couple of weeks earlier, all I could think about most the time was going back to the flying field or up to my hobby room to work on my plane. My friends didn't understand my passion, dismissing it as little more than a grown man playing with toys. But to me, it was tremendously rewarding to take a box of parts and assemble it into a beautiful flying machine.

On Mother's Day, I went over to my best friend Katherine's new house for a barbecue. It was great to see all my friends and all of the kids. She and her husband Rick had lived down the sidewalk from me for years and I had fond memories of the countless times we went out to the pool together. Although I was happy for them, in some ways I felt as if life was passing me by. Year after year, I watched other people who had also gone through painful divorces remarry and rebuild new lives, while I continued to struggle just to hold on. The next day I was exhausted, assuming I was simply tired from having such a big day on Sunday. But I still felt wiped out several days later. The only advice my doctor had was for me to see another specialist. But all he had to say was that I should feel normal because my lab results were normal. Frustrated, I came up with my own treatment plan. For the next few weeks, I’d just focus on flying my sailplanes when I felt up to it. It certainly held more promise than anything my doctors had come up with!

At the end of May, I flew back to Texas to visit my family. My Mom seemed quite relieved to see that I was basically okay, just tired. Even though I was having some problems with my sleep apnea, I no doubt felt better - at least emotionally - being with my family. Maybe if I had had a wife or someone close I would have done better over the last several years…probably so. I really enjoyed that week, focusing on what we were going to barbecue next, rather than on which doctor to see. When I got back to San Diego, my doctor decided that I needed an auto-adjusting CPAP machine to replace my outdated manual one. It would take some time to get insurance approval so I would just have to make do for the next couple of months.

In the middle of June, my Mom and my brother Danny flew in. A rare blood disorder, HHT, runs in our family and they were going to get evaluated by a specialist here in San Diego. As we expected, the doctor confirmed that they both had that disorder, but assured me that I didn't. Good deal! I had enough in my medical "portfolio" already! I made the most of the short time they were here, showing off my barbecue skills and even taking them over to the flying field to fly a couple of my radio-controlled sailplanes. It was hard to say goodbye, but I was just grateful for the rare opportunity to share "my world" with them.

It seemed like the coals on the grill had barely gone out before my youngest brother Tommy was on his way to see me! Super! He was anxious to see the San Diego sights and go deep-sea fishing. I was also excited, but I didn't know if I was up to doing my part. Nonetheless, I couldn't have been more jazzed than I was when I picked him up at the airport. But the first day it was obvious to Tommy that something wasn't right. I was struggling to walk and had to sit down every 50 yards or so to recover. "You're having a hard time, aren't you?" "Yeah, Tommy, I am. But I'll be all right." We had to take it slow, but we made the most of those few days. Maybe next time, I'd be more up to doing all the stuff he wanted to do.

After Tommy went back to Texas, I began looking through the pictures from my Texas trip. I was shocked when I saw myself in a group photo. That can’t be me! Am I really that huge?! Understandably, I lost interest in stepping on the scale when I saw 310 lbs a few months back. But I gritted my teeth as I walked into the bathroom and stepped on the scale again…330 lbs! Oh no! How could this happen to the guy who used to run 4, 5 or even 6 miles…or would hop on his bike and rip off a quick 50 miler? Somehow, some way I had to get back to my exercise program right now! But before I knew it, weeks had passed and it was still a struggle just to walk out to my van or go to the grocery store. Even taking a shower was difficult because I couldn't stand for more than a couple of minutes without muscle spasms in my back. The only thing my doctor had to say was that perhaps this was all due to stopping the growth hormone shots. My COBRA insurance had ended and I was waiting for approval from my new insurance carrier. Once again, I was in that hurry up and wait mode. Waiting for the growth hormone, waiting for the new CPAP machine and most of all waiting for a miracle.

As August rolled around, I felt so overwhelmed that I knew it was time...time to sit down on the couch and do my "emotional homework."

"Ok, Jim… What are you gonna do? Things are as puzzling as they've ever been. I don't know what else to say except hang in there. You'll get the new CPAP shortly and maybe that'll do the trick. You know Jim - maybe the world has given up on you, but you know that God hasn't given up on you - so don't you give up on you. And when you look at that picture of you at 330 lbs. please remember who you really are. Despite everything Jim, you are still an athlete. You have always been an athlete. It's just that right now, you're an athlete carrying a lot of extra weight…an athlete struggling with a chronic illness...but an athlete nonetheless. And I promise you buddy, that someday the world will see what you already know. And once again, your body will reflect the man you are inside. Never give up. Never lose faith. And someday, you'll get back to being the "real" Jim…"